I’m grateful for confidence, hard-earned, hard-won.

I’m grateful for confidence, hard-earned, hard-won through all the years of doubt, uncertainty and insecurity, all the questions that never had fixed answers:

Am I too childish?
Unsophisticated?
Not ambitious enough;
Too ambitious?
Too nerdy, too quiet;
Too talkative?
Not cheerful enough;
Too perky?
If I say this, or that:
Will he be pleased?
Will she hate me forever?
Will she be hurt?
Will he be repelled?
If I do this, and not that:
Will they judge me;
Judge my parents and how they raised me?
Ignore me? Avoid me?
Ostracise me?
Will they reject me?
Am I good enough for him?
For that university;
For that company; for that organisation?
Am I smart enough;
Interesting enough; demure enough?
Am I too qualified,
Not educated enough?
Am I loving enough, selfless enough;
Not selfish enough?
Am I intelligent enough, capable enough;
Too fickle; too spaced-out;
Too naive?
Am I pretty enough?
Brave enough?

Does any of this even matter?!

It’s hard being young. Well, it was hard for me, anyway. Youth has its benefits: the sense of eternity, of invincibility, of time; bravery bordering on naive, cheerful recklessness; evangelistic well-intentioned idealism, enough to pave the way to hell in gold and frankincense and myrrh and brimstone. But living, and time, and a sense of urgency have its benefits too. Earning your confidence and self-acceptance is one big one.

Boy, am I grateful for confidence, and for having had the chance and time and naive, cheerful recklessness to earn it.

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Send me sunshine, light and love! :) Constructive criticism is also welcome.

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